Marsupials

Firstly, many thanks to all of you who contributed to last week's post with a haiku or two. Of course it has been extremely difficult - not to mention unnecessary and potentialy hurtful - to pick a winner, but I rather liked Rehanna's ode to the land down-under, with it's heart-felt gratitude to vagaries of fate that have temporarily removed her line-manager. That said, I had disqualify her first entry for incorrect meter; the more affected "Shiv'ring" would have solved this problem with the necessary level of pretention, I feel. A lesson for next time, perhaps. Next time? [See how I pre-empt your internal dialogue; masterful, eh?] Yes, next time. For this has been such a roaring success that I think I need to encourage more of this audience-participation lark! More unreasonable requests next week perhaps.

Also special thanks too to Laura for the creature-whacking game. What fun!

So it was somewhere around 23rd and Salmon (it would be more helpful to say "half a mile from home" really, wouldn't it? But not so cool, eh?) that I saw the biggest rat ever. The thing was about 18" to 2' long not including the tail. It ran right in front of me and the car going the other way slowed to let it pass, allowing me a good view of the beast as it crossed in front of the headlights and lost itself amongst some bins on the far side. I stopped my bike in shock. "Bloody hell!" I said to myself, only out loud. The car coming the other way pulled in to park. As the driver got out of the car he saw me staring at the bins. He said, "Did you see that possum?"

Which, I suppose, would have explained matters, had I known what a possum was. In fact it was an opossum, which, although commonly called a possum in the US, should not to be confused with the possums of Oz-tray-lyah which are different apparently, although confusingly it is a marsupial, which I thought only lived, well, where women glow and men chunder. You live and learn. Anyhow, for reference, they look like bloody great rats.

So you get home from work and it's a little chilly and you think to yourself, "What I could do with right now is a nice dip in the hot tub!" Unfortunately, you had exactly the same thought the night before and your trunks are still wet. And, as everyone knows, there is nothing worse than climbing into a cold, clammy swimming costume. A dilemma, eh? Not at all: at last, a use for the domestic microwave! 25 seconds on high is all that's required. A little tip for you there.

Everyone is sick to death with me banging on about how bloody marvellous life is out here, so let's dwell for a moment on the dark side of American food. Initially I thought I'd write about all the foods I miss the most, until I realised they are all actually available if one is prepared to pay through the nose for them at Lady Di's, World Market, Pastaworks et al. That said, caution is required; they have "Cadbury's" chocolate at Safeway - but examine the label carefully and you'll notice it's made under license by Hershey's - and thus inedible. Even more subversive are the double-decker bars manufactured in South Africa. A lesson to us all to pay close attention to small print.

When in the US, avoid these foods at all costs -

• American cheese. Not just the stuff from a can ("warning - may contain traces of cheese"), but any suspiciously quadralateral orange plastic substance masquerading as food. It is sometimes called Muenster or Swiss, just to trip you into believing it has some European credentials. It does not.
• Deli meats. Only distinguishable by their colour, these tastelss slices of hydrated, textured water are allegedly derived from animals at some point during the production process. Ham, turkey, 'roast beef' even. Cylindrical, in the manner of giant Bernard-Matthews roasting 'joints' they are an afront to carnivores everywhere.
• Jello (i.e. Jelly) as we all know, is for poor children as a special treat (e.g. the ones that cannot afford Butterscotch Angel Delight). It is not a side-dish. Please.
• Chocolate in a solid form, including their "posh" varietals e.g. Godiva or Ghiradelli. Once cooked however, it improves significantly and is quite delicious in brownies, "french silk" / mud pies and esp. hot fudge sauce.
• Bacon. Only the streakiest and wettest of super-hydrated streaky-bacon exists over here. Once cooked it shrinks to approximately eight percent of its uncooked volume and resembles a pork scratching.
• Canadian bacon. That's what they call the circular pig product that represents the bacon in a bacon & egg McMuffin. Any port in a storm and all that, if you must you must.
• Sponge cake. Heavily aerated air with traces of yellow tasteless sweet solid matter slathered in sickly "frosting" (aka icing). Only seen at birthdays. Horrid. Makes you wish for a slice of week-old Victoria Sandwich - never thought I'd say that.
• Country Fried Steak - Steak deep-fried in breadcrumbs i.e. as if it were Kentucky Fried Chicken. There is no justification for this abomination.
• Strawberries. Fibrous and watery, only good in cooked or liquidized forms.

I may return to this list as time passes...